I read this quote recently, shared by someone on Facebook. Not a place I normally go inspiration, but you take it where you can get it.
Lately there’s been a chapter in my life that I haven’t wanted to read out loud. A chapter I haven’t even wanted to read to myself. A chapter I’ve tried my hardest to ignore, in a book I’ve kept shoved deep under the bed, among the dust bunnies and the stray socks and the old bobby pins and the erasers that the cat likes to bat around.
In the book of my life, this chapter is called Weight.
My weight is higher than it’s ever been. I’m not sure of the exact number, but I expect it’s somewhere between 280-285. My previous highest weight - before I joined Weight Watchers - was around 255. At that weight, I didn’t feel great. But I didn’t feel anywhere near as badly as I do now. It’s amazing the difference that thirty pounds has made.
Life seems impossible these days. I have zero energy. Heartburn all the time. I hobble down the stairs in the morning because my feet, legs and ankles are so swollen and sore. I get out of breath walking down the hallway - and forget walking and holding a conversation. I take up a seat and a half on the subway. God help me if the escalator is out of order. My feet ache after just a little bit of walking. I have no energy to do anything, and so my life outside of work consists of eating, drinking and Netflix.
A month ago, I flew to New Brunswick to see my dad. The seat belt on the airplane didn’t fit. I was too humiliated to ask for an extension so I just left it unbuckled and hid it under my cardigan. For the entire flight, I couldn’t look at the person sitting next to me, because I was sure he had seen me struggling to do up the belt and would know what I was hiding.
Shaun wants to go out and do things and I don’t have the energy to do anything. He wants to travel, and I dread having to go anywhere. How would I go on a plane, and how I would walk around once we were there?
Typing all of this makes me want to cry. How did this become my life? There’s so much I wanted to do with my life and instead I just got fat.
